Stupid answering machine messages

"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
have plenty of money."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From Japanese friend) "Her-ro! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message,
I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us
against you."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth,

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog in the pond. The frog said to the princess, "I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One
kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined on frog legs in garlic butter, she
laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."
We'll get back to you."