WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

Imagine you lived a remote life but had satellite television and were able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your life be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.

1. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving

5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.

10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

11. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.

14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but w ill wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.