A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.