A DICTIONARY OF HOLLYWOOD VERBS

To "schmooze" = befriend scum

To "pitch" = grovel shamelessly

To "brainstorm" = feign preparedness

To "research" = procrastinate indefinitely

To "network" = spread misinformation

To "collaborate" = argue incessantly

To "freelance" = collect unemployment

NOUNS

Agent = frustrated lawyer

Lawyer = frustrated producer

Producer = frustrated writer

Writer = frustrated director

Director = frustrated actor

Actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS

High-concept = low brow

Production values1 = gore

Production values2 = explosions

Entry level = pays nothing

Network-approved = has made them money

Highly qualified = knows the producer

FINANCIAL TERMS

Net = something that apparently doesn't exist

Gross = Michael Eisner's salary

Back End = you, if you think you'll ever see any

Residuals = braces for the kids

Deferral = don't hold your breath

Points = see "Net " or "Back End"

COMMON PHRASES

You can trust me = You must be new

It needs some polishing = Change everything

It shows promise = It stinks rotten

It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

She got great press = She'll never live down the embarrassment

I'd like some input = I want total control

It needs some honing = Change everything

Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

It needs some tightening = Change everything

Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

It needs some streamlining = Change everything

It's all up on the screen = You'll never find the money I embezzled

You'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever