PAINTING THE PORCH A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
THE DILDO This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it alone. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She says, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?" He says, "$35." She says, "How much for the white one?" He says, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She says, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He says, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She says, "How much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He says, "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
THE FLYING BLONDE A blonde went to helicopter flight training, wanting to learn to fly that day. The owner agreed to send her up, and instruct her by radio. He showed her the start up, and basic procedures, and up she went. At 1000 feet, she radioed, "I'm doing great! I love it! I'm really getting the hang of it!" The instructor watched her climb to over 3000 feet, then watched in horror as the helicopter began a dive and crashed nearby. He ran over and pulled her from the wreck, asking, "What happened?" She said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, until I got cold and turned off that big fan."
A blonde is driving down the road, when she sees another blonde out in a field of wheat rowing a boat furiously and getting nowhere. Puzzled, the blonde in the car got out and yelled to the other one, asking what she was doing. "It's a ocean of wheat, isn't it?" Now mad, the first blonde yelled "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!" The other blonde looked for a minute, then continued rowing merrily along. The first blonde was now furious, and yelled "If I could swim, I;d come out there and clean your clock!"
THE INTERVIEW A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!," replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "How do I get to the capitol building?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"