1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.Apologise to neighbour who crashed car into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into cat's mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital emergency department, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pillremnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A DOG
1. Wrap it in bacon.