1. First and foremost, we are not
obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is
not standard practice to c*m on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 -- do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do
you really WANT puke on your d*ck?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"-get it
through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like sh*t so no, I
don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU
can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 -- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior
to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be
happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean
I have to "kiss it good morning"